Alrighty. So I know I said that I wouldn’t post in here till I got back from Mexico, but things are just really bothering me and I need to get them out. I really don’t care who reads this or doesn’t read this. I’m not posting this for a Tumblr audience or anything. I just need to write and to vent and get all of this shit out of me as fast as possible because usually spoken words cannot get out what I am feeling, but through written word I feel like I can accurately portray my feelings. And also, I promise that this will be the last post I do before I come back from Mexico, as hard as it is to stay off of Tumblr while I’m out of work on a sick day.

Okay. So things in my life have taken a very sour turn in the past few days. This weekend I found out some information that I really wish I hadn’t and now this has led me to find out that my parents are getting a divorce. It’s still in the beginning stages and it is going to take up to a year for this whole thing to blow over, and this is going to affect my family for the rest of our lives. Nothing is going to ever be the same again. My family has been torn apart. You know, you see these things on TV and in movies all the time, or you even hear your friends going through it, but honestly, you never know what it’s like till you are living it. I now know how all those people feel who lost their fathers at a young age or had their fathers run out on them. Well, for me, at 22, I have lost my father. While he still is alive somewhere, he is dead to me and it hurts me so badly. I have to be strong and help take care of my mother and I feel like I am the only person in my family who can do anything to make a difference. My sister can’t do anything. She can’t stand my mother and she does not have the financial means to help out either my mom or my dad. She, of all people, will stick up for my dad. I mean, I still love him, but what he did is unforgiveable in my mind. So, I have no clue what is going to happen next. I have to go to the lawyer and the financial planner with my mom because she is getting older and can’t wrap her head around everything that is going on. Also, she is getting so stressed out about all these things that she can’t think straight. I mean, I fully support her decision to do this. It’s what has to be done and in the end it will be for the best, I believe. However, I don’t know if I am going to have to move back home or move with my mom somewhere or pick up another job on the side to help my mom with the bills and such. We will see what’s going to happen. I wish I could just forget about all of this because it’s really stressful and it hurts everyone. My sister, I feel like I can’t talk to her because she’s apathetic just like my dad. She doesn’t ever show emotions except anger or excitement. She said nothing to my mother. I know she cares but she is unsupportive of our family and at times I think she just wants to forget that we exist. I love her, and I know she has a long history with my mom that I don’t understand/I wasn’t there for, but there is no reason she can’t stick up for my mom like I do. I’m not taking sides, but my mom needs my support. She’s the only one who was there for me when I was younger and she helped me through so much, and now I have to be there for her. My father was never there for me when I was younger. He never really paid too much attention to me until I graduated college and got a job…making money…I think my mom was right. My dad sees me as a cash cow for himself…well, saw…because he won’t get anything from me now.

So yeah…I’m trying to spend time with my mom when I can now and I’ve been kind of dropping everything else in my life to spend time with her. It’s really hard to balance everything right now, but I’ve done more before and I can do it again. I just have to make sure I stay on my meds and don’t miss them because I know I will just fall back into my anxiety and have a breakdown.

Anyways, let me get off this depressing subject and just write an update on my life. Things have been going very well. I’ve been making progress on everything. I’ve been paying off my student loans without a problem. I’ve been working hard and getting a lot done at my job…no complaints there except for some drama that has been going on…but nothing that really affects me that badly, especially now. I’ve been really busy and falling off my diet a little bit. However, I am officially down 17lbs and I now weight 160lbs (plus all the muscle I put on in the place of my fat) so now am I not only not that fat, I’m not that scrawny, which is good :) I am on my way to my flat stomach. I said 5 more pounds, but I’m thinking if I can lose 25lbs total, I think I’ll have a completely flat stomach and be on my way to having abs! I know I’m obsessed over my body image, but I have image issues from everything I’ve had to deal with. I’m not afraid to talk openly about my issues or my problems because it helps me deal with them. The problem is when I’m alone and they just fester and grow inside me, then I have an issue. But anyways, my goal to have a flat stomach by beach season (aka Memorial Day weekend) looks good to go! I should be able to make it!

Anyways, this month has been flying by…I have been so busy with different things and I’m going to be traveling so I just want it to be March already. I feel like things are going to slow down in March and I can get everything back on the right track. I don’t have a lot of plans except for my mother’s birthday and some other small things and that’s it. I’m really hoping to hop back on my healthy eating and dieting in March. My head is just not screwed on right now and I haven’t been able to think straight. It’s just not good. I hate it when I get this way. I need like total concentration right now and I just don’t have it. I really hope I get it back when I go to Mexico because I have to be on the top of my game to present my work in front of all the big bosses and executives at our meeting. I’m nervous, but I’m not. I just have to tell myself that this is the exact same thing as doing a presentation in college…you just have to ace it as always.

I’ve lucked out because I have people around me who really support me and have been there for me. That’s the one thing I’ve always been able to count on. When there have been crises in my life (they’ve been few and far between) and I needed people to help me, I have always had someone to turn to. I have always been very fortunate in my life and I thank God every day for the people that have walked in and walked out of my life as I have needed them all and they have all helped me in my life and made me who I am today…better, in my mind…and even though many of them are no longer around, I really do thank them for everything they’ve done for me.

Speaking of fortunate and people leaving, it is really sad of how many friends I’ve lost and the people who have vilified me because of my job and my life. People refuse to talk to me because my problems are not important because I am more successful than they are. It’s not my fault that I have pushed myself to the limits and tried my hardest to succeed, and made it. I’m sure that I, though, will falter in my life, and it hurts me because I feel like these people will be smirking at me when they claim to be my close friends. I don’t go and rub my life and what I’ve done in other people’s faces. I am very down to earth with everyone. I don’t understand why my so-called friends refuse to talk to me nowadays because of my life. I guess this shows who my true friends are. It hurts a lot, but I’m hoping things will turn around one day soon. I miss my friends :(

Ok, well that’s all I have left to say. Sorry for the Live Journal-esque post from 2007 ahahaha, but I had to get stuff out in here. I just find it so hard to talk about, so it’s just easier to write. Thank you all for your support and kind words. I really appreciate it.

Peace.

1. wakeuptheresnousepretending said: If you ever need help dealing with the stress of divorce, it’s one thing I do really well - my dad was a not so great guy to my mom and stepmom. I’m always around, even if you just need to vent. Have fun in Mexico! :)
2. suburban-gentleman posted this